Back talk first aid!

Determining what constitutes back talk is just as challenging as diagnosing when it occurs. I know sometimes when our daughter is simply getting frustrated because I am not listening or I am trying to do the proverbial “multitasking”, I can interpret her attempts to communicate as back talk. How do I assess the difference when I am tired, sick or simply overwhelmed? I know that at 8 years old, our daughter is still learning all the intricacies of communicating effectively and getting her point across. It’s also important that I create space for her to question what I asked of her, not as an act of defiance as much as a matter of learning. When our children ask “why” we have a great opportunity to teach them how to become and adult, how we navigate the world of decisions and demands.

By giving our children the benefit of the doubt, we can choose to respond to their question without feeling like it’s a personal attack on our authority. Sometimes a question is just that: a request for information. Determine the context, the tone and your own personal “hot buttons” before deciding if your child’s comment is indeed back talk. You can save everyone a lot of aggravation by responding and not reacting!

Remember, for effective parenting, only one of you can be having a meltdown at a time!

What did YOU just say?

When it comes to a clear and concise definition of back talking and sassy attitude, each one of us has a different answer: it’s kind of like describing to someone else how spicy is this? The answer will depend on many different variables. I think most of us would agree though, on some basic, generic behavior that we have seen in either our own kids or maybe on our friends’ kids: rolling of the eyes, twisting of the mouth, hands on the hips, dirty looks combined with the “duh mom” look.

Have you noticed that this kind of behavior seems more and more prevalent and showing up at earlier and earlier ages? “It’s clearly happening with younger kids,” says Michele Borba, author of Don’t Give Me That Attitude! “I’m constantly in the schools as an educational consultant, and teachers, who have the upper hand on seeing the new trends with kids, can tell you that it’s escalating. We’re not talking about just being impolite, but swearing and flippant behavior. It’s like pollution; it didn’t happen overnight.”

I won’t spend too much time arguing about where this behavior comes from: media, friends, and even family members! Disrespectful behavior is a “trend” on most popular sitcoms where back-talk is viewed as humorous while disrespect for authority is comical. I also know I have been guilty of a sarcastic remark that I heard “replayed” out of my child’s mouth later on.

I know that you may be surprised at your child’s behavior and may even be tempted to think that she didn’t get that from you. We are indeed our children’s first teachers and we definitely have a part on this wave of disrespectful behavior. It’s crucial that we behave in the way we expect kids to behave! No more, do as I say not as I do!

Since we have no real control over what other people say or do, it’s important to consider this task one better addressed at home. It’s imperative that we model respectful behavior to our kids and remember that they are always watching how we deal with the lady at the grocery store, the clue-less driver on the freeway or the annoying telemarketer on the phone. Are we using sarcasm as a means of communication or humor?

What goes around comes around. What are getting back? Your words, attitudes and actions are like boomerangs: they will come back out of your kids’ mouths!

If you want more support, ideas and tools to deal with back talk, join me on Monday April 5th and 12th  from  6:00 to 7:15 PST (9:00 to 10:15 EST) 

for an open and frank 2-part teleseminar!

More details by clicking here

Do you have what it takes to turn off that TV???

8 year-old: But moooom.. I proooomised  you that I will give away 3 stuff animals if you just get me this really cute one!

Me:  Sweetheart, you already have at least 10 different puppies and you don't even play with them!

8 year-old:  But this one is soooo much cuter than the other ones! Pleeeease! I would do anything to get this one!(as the pitch on the voice gets higher and whinier!)

Me: The answer still is no. I told you we are not buying another stuff animal for you. We have to be very responsible with our money, you know? It's very important  to make good choices and I am choosing to use our money differently.

8 year-old: You are such a meanie! I wish I was the mommy and I could tell YOU how to spend the money!

From then on, it was sigh after sigh, rolling of the eyes and finally crying. You get the picture, right? I thought to myself: "how old do kids need to be before you can leave them

in the car by themselves?” I took a deep breath and remember Rule#1: Only one of you can be having a meltdown at a time. I took another deep breath: Rule#2: Never forget rule#1.

I decided to be curious instead of angry. She knew I wasn't happy with her response and I let her know that there would be consequences once we got home: No television or playing Wii for today.  I had to seriously wonder, where was this constant need for material stuff coming from? It seemed like every day she was wanting more and more things, regardless of the fact that I continued to make trips to the local thrift store to unload things she no longer uses! Why were we not able to go anywhere without her asking for me to buy something? My husband and I have been really mindful about not getting caught in competing with neighbors and friends and remind each other regularly of all the blessings we have to be thankful for.

Then it finally hit me: I had been allow this impressionable 8-year-old to have unsupervised TV in the last 3 weeks as I spend time in search of a part-time job. I had stopped sitting with her while she watched TV and reminding her how the advertising agencies wanted to make sure to create in her head the idea that she needed all these things she saw in the commercials. I had gotten complacent about my responsibility to guide my child through the maze that is discerning what she needs vs. what she wants when she's bombarded every 7 minutes with the call to shop for something new!

I came across a statistic that says that the average American child is expose to forty thousand advertising messages each year and that corporations spend nearly $15 billion annually to market to kids under 12! Doesn't that blow your mind? Our children are the proverbial "canary" in the coal mine and as I lost my way (temporarily) focusing on the immediate needs, she was there to remind me. It was clear that I had missed the mark this time so I decided that it was time to cut back on the amount of time she spends in front of the TV!

As a family, we also decided to do a gratitude journal: More than going around the table and telling each other what we were grateful for, we each are going to write 5 things EVERY night that we were grateful for. Whenever we are disappointed or feel we don't have all the "bells and whistles" we want, we will take a minute and look at the list. I know.. It sounds so simple yet, it really speaks to refocusing our attention to what really matters: our family and friends!

I invite you to start right now asking your kids what they are grateful for and what makes them happy. I be you it won't be "things". Share Suze Orman's mantra: PEOPLE, MONEY and THEN things!

I'd love to hear how you handle the materialistic impulses of your children! 

When your 8-year-old is going on 15 !!

It is always ironic to me, how my own experience raising my child always prepares me for my sessions with the parents I coach. Many of these parents have come to me lately for help when they are engaged in power struggles with their children. It has been a topic that has brought many a frustrated parent to question his or her own parenting skills. I had being able to recognize immediately when their children were asserting their own power and attempting to define the boundaries between them and their parents. This time it was my turn to experience that struggle for myself.

A few days ago, my 8-year-old daughter got in the car with me after a day at school. On the way home we talked about what she planned to do with the rest of the afternoon. I was quick to remind her that she was expected to do her homework and chores before she went out to play with our next-door neighbor. I found myself at a loss for words as I heard my daughter say, in no uncertain terms:” I am not doing chores and you can’t make me. “

In the interest of honesty and transparency here, I have to tell you that hearing my own daughter utter those words felt like a personal and professional failure on my part. One of the things that has made my work as a parent coach a powerful experience, has been my ability to relate to the struggles of parents just like me, trying to make the best of every situation while raising, healthy, well adjusted children. I was looking at my daughter through the rear-view mirror while fantasizing: Do I join her in the “hunt” for power or do I wait until we get home and ground her for life?

Fortunately for both of us, patience and calm prevailed that day. I forced myself to take a deep breath. As calmly as I could, I let her know that indeed she was correct: I couldn’t make her do anything. I shared with her that once she became her own person, with her own opinions and her own likes and dislikes, I hadn’t been able to make her do anything: I couldn’t make her eat, I couldn’t make her go to sleep, I couldn’t even make her stop talking without using some sort of illegal restraint! She looked back at me with a sense of triumph and repeated: “That’s right mommy, you can’t make me do anything”.

I could see she was waiting for me to make the next move. I have never been very good at playing poker but this was one of those times when I needed to keep a straight face and not let her see my “hand”. I needed to keep it together and call her “bluff”. I said: “honey, the wonderful thing about being responsible and making our own decisions is that we also get to experience the consequences of our choices. So, since I can’t make you do anything, my job is to guide you to make the best choices, but the choices are still yours to make.

I could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. We discussed her options and their consequences. Her response was immediate and I heard the “you can’t do that. That’s not fair. No, I will not do my chores OR my homework and you can’t’ make me.” I took another deep breath wondering if my approach was all but a failed attempt to remain calm when what I really wanted to do was scream and tell her how she was going to do whatever I darn well told her to do! Anyone else ever been there?

The ride home was silent and thankfully, short. We went in the house and I continued with my routine without saying another word to her. She sat on the couch, cross-legged and defiant. I told her I was going to give her 5 minutes to decide what she wanted to do. When the time was up, she got off the couch and acting as if nothing had happened asked:” How about I do my chores but put on the TV while I do it so I won’t be so bored?” I agreed quickly and she was surprised. I could tell she felt proud of her “negotiating” skills.

I could feel my face starting to cool off and my blood pressure returning to normal. The bottom line was clear: I had given her the choice to do the right thing but also had given some room for her to feel like she had some power and some true choice-making leverage. As tempting as it was in the moment, I realized that mirroring her unwanted behavior instead of modeling a healthier way to behave was setting up a long road of power struggles. We are not even in the teen years yet!!

One thing I know for sure: When it comes to preparing me to work with the parents I support, nothing prepares me better than the everyday challenges of raising a strong-willed 8 year old!