Parenting at the speed of life!

Do you ever feel like your life is a crazy merry-go-round? Does it ever feel like you want it to slow down enough for you to get off? Do you ever feel that the “scenery” is passing you by and you are not getting to enjoy the details?
Well, I am here to tell you, you are not alone. I hear this sentiment time and time again from my friends, my clients and in my own life. I have come to realize that even when things are going the way I want, there still is a lot to do and not enough time to do it!
In the last few weeks, I have enjoyed many surprises and good happenings: the “official” launching of my business, the change of my career focus and entering the process of purchasing a new home. These are all very exciting things and yet, I am finding myself running around trying to make it all work.
Our daughter Marissa is starting to notice that mommy has a lot to do: more than usual. You don’t want to play with me anymore, you are always on the computer! she cried the other night. I became aware that I have not been balancing my career and my parenting in a way that supports the kind of parent I want to be.
So, it’s time to prioritize: my main focus is my family. How do I make sure that I get what I need to get done in a way that satisfies my own needs while satisfying the needs of those who matter to me most?

I have decided to give my daily routines a little more structure yet keeping it flexible. Last night. I decided to designate my time working on my business to coincide with the time after my daughter goes to bed. In order to still enjoy time with my husband, I am limiting my time to 1 hour every night. This allows me to honor the sacred time with my family during dinner, one-on-one time with my daughter before she goes to bed and couple time with my husband before we both go to sleep. I have decided, for example, that Sundays are “linen” days, when I exchange bed sheets and towels around the house. I decided to give up the self-imposed requirement of making a “full course” meal for dinner every night. Instead, I am writing my meal planning on Sunday night to reflect a particular item that my family enjoys every day of the week: Chicken on Mondays, Pork on Tuesdays, Fish on Wednesday, Turkey on Thursdays, etc. Little by little, I am finding not only a structure but a rhythm that works for me and my family. Last night we had sandwiches on paper plates for dinner last night and it was awesome. No fuss, no stress!
I am reminded that flexibility is key. Even though there’s a structure in place there has to be room for changes and adjustments. I remember a saying my grandma used to have that reminds me of the need to slow down, no matter what is happening around us. She used to say: "dress me slowly because I am in a hurry". I have come to learn that when I take a deep breath and go slower I have a lot less “do overs”!

What do YOU do to make sure you keep the balance between career, family and your own personal life?

Cultivate Gratitude

There has been a lot of “buzz” in the last few years about the power of gratitude: books are written about it, seminars and classes talk about the importance of being grateful. We even have a day in the year when we are asked to think about what we are grateful for! Researchers are finding that gratitude is a key element of human well-being. They are finding that grateful people are optimistic and energetic and deal better with stress and illness. Gratitude, in short, can make you happier.

For those of you for whom research drives the point home more powerfully, check this out: Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson (2005) carried out a randomized, placebo-controlled study. They followed participants up 6 months after they had begun carrying out a simple gratitude exercise and found they were happier and less depressed than a control group. In this study, though, participants initially wrote about what they were grateful for every day for a week. If it's possible for even the simplest negative thought to provoke a change in mood (and if you are a parent, you know how TRUE that is), then why not a positive grateful thought as well?

A word of caution here: When I ask you to consider the power of being grateful, I am not asking you to stick your head in the sand and pretend that nothing is happening that needs your attention. "To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great," Robert A. Emmons (Emmons, R.A., & McCullough, M.E. -2004. The psychology of gratitude). "It just means we are aware of our blessings”.

What does gratitude have to do with parenting, you ask? What I know is that when we focus on what we don’t have, we tend to perpetuate the very same thing we don’t want. The negative thoughts that arise when we are concentrated on the way things should be and are not, can rob us from the joy that our children bring us every day. These thoughts are the perennial “blackberry” bushes of our lives (for those of you on the Pacific Northwest, you get the picture, right?) It takes a lot of effort to eliminate them from our garden. Well, it’s the same thing with negative thoughts (and attitudes) about our children’s behaviors, demeanors and intentions. We need to eliminate our routine thinking and labeling of them before we can actually “plant” the seeds of the behaviors we want from them. 

One of the things that I started doing a couple of years ago and found incredibly powerful, was the nightly routine of a gratitude journal. It has evolved nicely into a deeper daily practice that reminds me of how full my life truly is. A good friend of mine gave me a beautiful journal that I decided to use and write 5 things for which I was grateful. It became a profound ritual that brought a sense of closure to every day. Some times, in our quests to be better, or more successful, or more organized, or better moms, parents, spouses, we get stuck in the energy of more, and forget the gifts of now.

I know what some of you may be thinking: this exercise seems so trivial it couldn’t possible be worth doing. I invite you to think about this: Many parents focus on what isn’t working, forgetting to appreciate what is. Today, take a few minutes to appreciate nature. Go for a walk and notice the beauty around you. Whether you focus on the clouds above, a distant mountain range, or the apple tree in your backyard, notice the details. The bottom line is that regardless of whether you record these items on a journal or not, I invite you t spend some time each day to focus on the little things in your life that make each day special. Be aware of what in your personal and family life you are grateful for. Focus on little things in your life that make each day special: A good friend. Your child's toothless grin. A homemade meal. A warm shower. Your child’s picture that looks nothing like the puppy she says it is.

Remember: "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Arthur Ward

How do children spell love? T-I-M-E

I know. This is such a timeless piece of advice, isn't it? Making sure we have some quality time can be difficult. We have so many activities to compete with and when parents have to work outside the home, it calls for some serious creativity. One thing that has helped me is to set more boundaries around my work, so that when I am home, I’m “really all there". I have to confess that there have been days when I am spending time with our daughter coloring, baking or even reading, and my mind is busy thinking and planning what I need to get accomplished as soon as I am “done” with her. That’s not what it is meant by quality time. Quality time really means giving your children your full attention, not all day long or even every day, but during the time you are WITH them. It means being present and having your attention on them, mind and heart.

I can already hear some of you saying: …But how? How do we find time when we have more than one child? How do we find time when we work outside the home? How do I find time when our partner doesn’t help with the housework? How do I find time when I am tired and exhausted? Well, that is one question that comes up time and time again with the parents I coach. I wish I had a magic answer that would fit all the possible reasons why finding time for your children can be a challenge. What I do know is that, once you find a way to incorporate quality time into routines and activities you already do, it becomes much easier and less of a to-do and more of a “ta-daah”! (can you hear the drum rolls?)

What I am suggesting is that you make those 15 minutes at the dinner table count. Maybe when you are ready to do laundry, you can ask your youngest to help you carry some clothes to the washer and you can talk to them about was their favorite thing from that day. Or maybe when you are driving your 10 year-old to a play date you can sing together in the car to a song you know she likes. Maybe you can play “I Spy” in the car on the way to the dentist. Maybe you can sit down and write a short note to grandma to send her your children’s latest art work. With very young children, days of the week can have cool names like Magic Monday, Terrific Tuesday, Wondrous Wednesday--and so on. Pick a Saturday during the year when children can make gifts for each other and celebrate what's special about their sister or brother. Celebrate a butterfly sighting or geese flying south, a fresh snowfall, a field goal, a lost object found, a new haircut, Picture Day at school. Our 3-year-old neighbor Hunter who lives on our cul-de-sac loves how fun it is turning on the vacuum cleaner for his mom, then pushing the button that magically "eats" the cord when he is done. Have a family Valentine's Dinner--lots of red candles, lacy doilies, little white lights wrapped around the room, and heart-shaped food. Even President's Day is an opportunity to come together as a family. You might talk about what makes a good leader, read stories about Washington and Lincoln, and say what each of you would do to make the world a better place if you were president. Think of what you loved doing as a kid and try to build on that.
These are all ways to incorporate “one-on-one” time without having to spend money or carve huge amounts of time for them.

For those of you ready to leap into designating more specific family time, turning off the TV or computer is another way that helps you create that special time. When I was growing up, my family parents were big fans of board games. We spent many a night playing Monopoly and Life, or trying to keep quiet while playing old fashioned Operation. These days, we have new games that my family enjoys and my daughter loves the popular ‘theme” games; Princess Monopoly or Sponge Bog Life. We also like crafting together – just being inventive with the stuff around our house and seeing what we create. I have learned that our daughter and I can always have some quality time doing some scrap booking together, something we both enjoy immensely. My daughter loves to help cook, so we let her drag her stepstool over and work alongside us. The bottom line is that you can make everyday life routines a family-focused activity. One of the things our daughter enjoys most is reading, so I try to spend at least a few minutes a day reading to her and we also make sure we have a family game night  every week. We play the computer games or pull out the UNO cards or get a board game.

Another great opportunity to have time together is to sit together at the table and eat dinner together. Dinnertime conversations (either at our table or at a restaurant) are always a great opportunity to connect, regardless of what’s being served. Get creative: Have an indoor picnic on the floor. Serve banana splits for dinner or pasta for breakfast. Choose a day and announce that you will be having dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. Serve boxed macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets and fries in the morning and make pancakes or eggs and toast for dinner. You might have dessert before you have dinner and serve the main course afterwards. Kids love this one.

Make time to have fun with your children. It will pay off in a 100 different ways and is worth every minute.

"Your children need your presence far more than your presents."   Jesse Jackson 

The Soulful Parent