Parenting from love not fear

 

This weekend, I decided to organize the books on my bookshelves. I absolutely love reading and once I fall in love with a book I find it hard to give it away, unless, of course, it is a gift for someone who would appreciate the book.

One thing I noticed as I was looking over the parenting books I own was that many of the parenting books I have read in the past have made me feel fearful--as if I, and every parent out there is “doing parenting all wrong”. Some popular books have even given me the feeling that I am definitely going downhill into the sea and drifting away into an ocean of parenting regret. If I dared not follow their way of parenting, I am doomed to raise a "hooligan" or even a future "juvenile delinquent"!

I know in my heart that every parent is the real expert on their kids and knows them better than anyone else. Tools and techniques as well as support is very, very helpful in this journey. But I've noticed that when I or the moms I consult with, parent out of fear, the result is more fear.

The opposite is also true: when I parent from love, my child can feel that love, even when the established consequences for her bad behavior are not pleasant for her. It’s not that she jumps for joy at the sight of her chores, or her homework: it just becomes less of a battle or a struggle.

When I choose to parent from love, in a calm and caring way, I have fewer regrets and many more successes. It requires me to be present, available and connected to my child even when my first reaction is to run in the other direction.

The bottom line is that not much good comes out of doing anything from a place of fear. I read somewhere a long time ago that the opposite of love is fear. If that is true indeed, where would you rather parent from?

Do you have what it takes to turn off that TV???

8 year-old: But moooom.. I proooomised  you that I will give away 3 stuff animals if you just get me this really cute one!

Me:  Sweetheart, you already have at least 10 different puppies and you don't even play with them!

8 year-old:  But this one is soooo much cuter than the other ones! Pleeeease! I would do anything to get this one!(as the pitch on the voice gets higher and whinier!)

Me: The answer still is no. I told you we are not buying another stuff animal for you. We have to be very responsible with our money, you know? It's very important  to make good choices and I am choosing to use our money differently.

8 year-old: You are such a meanie! I wish I was the mommy and I could tell YOU how to spend the money!

From then on, it was sigh after sigh, rolling of the eyes and finally crying. You get the picture, right? I thought to myself: "how old do kids need to be before you can leave them

in the car by themselves?” I took a deep breath and remember Rule#1: Only one of you can be having a meltdown at a time. I took another deep breath: Rule#2: Never forget rule#1.

I decided to be curious instead of angry. She knew I wasn't happy with her response and I let her know that there would be consequences once we got home: No television or playing Wii for today.  I had to seriously wonder, where was this constant need for material stuff coming from? It seemed like every day she was wanting more and more things, regardless of the fact that I continued to make trips to the local thrift store to unload things she no longer uses! Why were we not able to go anywhere without her asking for me to buy something? My husband and I have been really mindful about not getting caught in competing with neighbors and friends and remind each other regularly of all the blessings we have to be thankful for.

Then it finally hit me: I had been allow this impressionable 8-year-old to have unsupervised TV in the last 3 weeks as I spend time in search of a part-time job. I had stopped sitting with her while she watched TV and reminding her how the advertising agencies wanted to make sure to create in her head the idea that she needed all these things she saw in the commercials. I had gotten complacent about my responsibility to guide my child through the maze that is discerning what she needs vs. what she wants when she's bombarded every 7 minutes with the call to shop for something new!

I came across a statistic that says that the average American child is expose to forty thousand advertising messages each year and that corporations spend nearly $15 billion annually to market to kids under 12! Doesn't that blow your mind? Our children are the proverbial "canary" in the coal mine and as I lost my way (temporarily) focusing on the immediate needs, she was there to remind me. It was clear that I had missed the mark this time so I decided that it was time to cut back on the amount of time she spends in front of the TV!

As a family, we also decided to do a gratitude journal: More than going around the table and telling each other what we were grateful for, we each are going to write 5 things EVERY night that we were grateful for. Whenever we are disappointed or feel we don't have all the "bells and whistles" we want, we will take a minute and look at the list. I know.. It sounds so simple yet, it really speaks to refocusing our attention to what really matters: our family and friends!

I invite you to start right now asking your kids what they are grateful for and what makes them happy. I be you it won't be "things". Share Suze Orman's mantra: PEOPLE, MONEY and THEN things!

I'd love to hear how you handle the materialistic impulses of your children! 

Honesty and your kids

The article below came to me today as I was questioning myself over how much to share with our 8 year-old about recently loosing my job. I was upset, hurt and dissapointed and there were a lot of tears!

In a clear, calm, age-appropriate way, we decided to explain to her what had happened and what that meant for us as a family. We were open and honest and answered all her questions. I have to be honest: I was worried that maybe I had "traumatized" my child in some way and that maybe I should have "shielded" her from the truth. Guilt is never too far from a mom's mind!!!

To my surprise, she was understanding and willing to do her part in our efforts to use our resources even more responsibly. Because we were calm, she was able to be calm too!

Modeling for our kids in developmentally-appropriate ways how to handle stressful situations helps them learn that their emotions are valid, real and important. What a great lesson for all of us!!


Scream Free Parenting Tip of the Day
by Hal Runkel, LMFT

Kids are remarkably perceptive creatures. Even infants pick up on parental cues and follow our lead, regardless of the emotion we emit. If you have something major going on with your career, marriage, finances, health – you name it – your children are picking up on it.

Your best course of action is honesty. Pretending like nothing is wrong does nothing but send mixed signals to your kids. It makes them question their own instincts and judgments – one of the cruelest things you can do to them. When your child approaches you with a tough question – especially one involving a perception they have – be simple, be direct, and be honest. You’ll actually be doing them a tremendous favor!


How have you handled life changing situations with your children? What worked for you?

How do children spell love? T-I-M-E

I know. This is such a timeless piece of advice, isn't it? Making sure we have some quality time can be difficult. We have so many activities to compete with and when parents have to work outside the home, it calls for some serious creativity. One thing that has helped me is to set more boundaries around my work, so that when I am home, I’m “really all there". I have to confess that there have been days when I am spending time with our daughter coloring, baking or even reading, and my mind is busy thinking and planning what I need to get accomplished as soon as I am “done” with her. That’s not what it is meant by quality time. Quality time really means giving your children your full attention, not all day long or even every day, but during the time you are WITH them. It means being present and having your attention on them, mind and heart.

I can already hear some of you saying: …But how? How do we find time when we have more than one child? How do we find time when we work outside the home? How do I find time when our partner doesn’t help with the housework? How do I find time when I am tired and exhausted? Well, that is one question that comes up time and time again with the parents I coach. I wish I had a magic answer that would fit all the possible reasons why finding time for your children can be a challenge. What I do know is that, once you find a way to incorporate quality time into routines and activities you already do, it becomes much easier and less of a to-do and more of a “ta-daah”! (can you hear the drum rolls?)

What I am suggesting is that you make those 15 minutes at the dinner table count. Maybe when you are ready to do laundry, you can ask your youngest to help you carry some clothes to the washer and you can talk to them about was their favorite thing from that day. Or maybe when you are driving your 10 year-old to a play date you can sing together in the car to a song you know she likes. Maybe you can play “I Spy” in the car on the way to the dentist. Maybe you can sit down and write a short note to grandma to send her your children’s latest art work. With very young children, days of the week can have cool names like Magic Monday, Terrific Tuesday, Wondrous Wednesday--and so on. Pick a Saturday during the year when children can make gifts for each other and celebrate what's special about their sister or brother. Celebrate a butterfly sighting or geese flying south, a fresh snowfall, a field goal, a lost object found, a new haircut, Picture Day at school. Our 3-year-old neighbor Hunter who lives on our cul-de-sac loves how fun it is turning on the vacuum cleaner for his mom, then pushing the button that magically "eats" the cord when he is done. Have a family Valentine's Dinner--lots of red candles, lacy doilies, little white lights wrapped around the room, and heart-shaped food. Even President's Day is an opportunity to come together as a family. You might talk about what makes a good leader, read stories about Washington and Lincoln, and say what each of you would do to make the world a better place if you were president. Think of what you loved doing as a kid and try to build on that.
These are all ways to incorporate “one-on-one” time without having to spend money or carve huge amounts of time for them.

For those of you ready to leap into designating more specific family time, turning off the TV or computer is another way that helps you create that special time. When I was growing up, my family parents were big fans of board games. We spent many a night playing Monopoly and Life, or trying to keep quiet while playing old fashioned Operation. These days, we have new games that my family enjoys and my daughter loves the popular ‘theme” games; Princess Monopoly or Sponge Bog Life. We also like crafting together – just being inventive with the stuff around our house and seeing what we create. I have learned that our daughter and I can always have some quality time doing some scrap booking together, something we both enjoy immensely. My daughter loves to help cook, so we let her drag her stepstool over and work alongside us. The bottom line is that you can make everyday life routines a family-focused activity. One of the things our daughter enjoys most is reading, so I try to spend at least a few minutes a day reading to her and we also make sure we have a family game night  every week. We play the computer games or pull out the UNO cards or get a board game.

Another great opportunity to have time together is to sit together at the table and eat dinner together. Dinnertime conversations (either at our table or at a restaurant) are always a great opportunity to connect, regardless of what’s being served. Get creative: Have an indoor picnic on the floor. Serve banana splits for dinner or pasta for breakfast. Choose a day and announce that you will be having dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. Serve boxed macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets and fries in the morning and make pancakes or eggs and toast for dinner. You might have dessert before you have dinner and serve the main course afterwards. Kids love this one.

Make time to have fun with your children. It will pay off in a 100 different ways and is worth every minute.

"Your children need your presence far more than your presents."   Jesse Jackson 

The Soulful Parent