Back talk first aid!

Determining what constitutes back talk is just as challenging as diagnosing when it occurs. I know sometimes when our daughter is simply getting frustrated because I am not listening or I am trying to do the proverbial “multitasking”, I can interpret her attempts to communicate as back talk. How do I assess the difference when I am tired, sick or simply overwhelmed? I know that at 8 years old, our daughter is still learning all the intricacies of communicating effectively and getting her point across. It’s also important that I create space for her to question what I asked of her, not as an act of defiance as much as a matter of learning. When our children ask “why” we have a great opportunity to teach them how to become and adult, how we navigate the world of decisions and demands.

By giving our children the benefit of the doubt, we can choose to respond to their question without feeling like it’s a personal attack on our authority. Sometimes a question is just that: a request for information. Determine the context, the tone and your own personal “hot buttons” before deciding if your child’s comment is indeed back talk. You can save everyone a lot of aggravation by responding and not reacting!

Remember, for effective parenting, only one of you can be having a meltdown at a time!

What did YOU just say?

When it comes to a clear and concise definition of back talking and sassy attitude, each one of us has a different answer: it’s kind of like describing to someone else how spicy is this? The answer will depend on many different variables. I think most of us would agree though, on some basic, generic behavior that we have seen in either our own kids or maybe on our friends’ kids: rolling of the eyes, twisting of the mouth, hands on the hips, dirty looks combined with the “duh mom” look.

Have you noticed that this kind of behavior seems more and more prevalent and showing up at earlier and earlier ages? “It’s clearly happening with younger kids,” says Michele Borba, author of Don’t Give Me That Attitude! “I’m constantly in the schools as an educational consultant, and teachers, who have the upper hand on seeing the new trends with kids, can tell you that it’s escalating. We’re not talking about just being impolite, but swearing and flippant behavior. It’s like pollution; it didn’t happen overnight.”

I won’t spend too much time arguing about where this behavior comes from: media, friends, and even family members! Disrespectful behavior is a “trend” on most popular sitcoms where back-talk is viewed as humorous while disrespect for authority is comical. I also know I have been guilty of a sarcastic remark that I heard “replayed” out of my child’s mouth later on.

I know that you may be surprised at your child’s behavior and may even be tempted to think that she didn’t get that from you. We are indeed our children’s first teachers and we definitely have a part on this wave of disrespectful behavior. It’s crucial that we behave in the way we expect kids to behave! No more, do as I say not as I do!

Since we have no real control over what other people say or do, it’s important to consider this task one better addressed at home. It’s imperative that we model respectful behavior to our kids and remember that they are always watching how we deal with the lady at the grocery store, the clue-less driver on the freeway or the annoying telemarketer on the phone. Are we using sarcasm as a means of communication or humor?

What goes around comes around. What are getting back? Your words, attitudes and actions are like boomerangs: they will come back out of your kids’ mouths!

If you want more support, ideas and tools to deal with back talk, join me on Monday April 5th and 12th  from  6:00 to 7:15 PST (9:00 to 10:15 EST) 

for an open and frank 2-part teleseminar!

More details by clicking here